Mixed Emotions

As if the emotional part of being a girl doesn't suck enough, I feel like I have EVERYTHING working against me. I can't find a stupid job. Things with Mikey suck. Well things with Mikey are over and done, which is fine, and we're friends, but we still fight about stupid stuff. Makayla is teething. AND she has a cough. Layton is annoying me. I'm completely alone (which is fine). Everyone tells me they know how I fell, and that everything is going to be okay. I feel like NO ONE understands what I'm going through. Like NO ONE knows what it's like to get pregnant in high school, almost not graduate, be stuck living in a house where you don't feel welcome, or that you belong, have a failed relationship with the father of your child, who is also the love of your life, live in a town where you don't know anyone (which I'm okay with tho!), Be looking for a job for two and a half months WITH NO LUCK.

I honestly feel like there in no point in trying anymore. Yet at the same time, I have no choice but to get up everyday and go look for a job. I can go to 20 or 30 places each day, and without fail, i get told, "No, we're not hiring." I don't know what else I can do. Even the Centerville Firehouse wont hire me, and I've got almost 2 years of Firehouse experience. I job hunt everyday, for a few hours. It's hard with Makayla, but we go as long as she will last and be happy. I always have a prayer in my heart, and I say a prayer before I leave. But still NOTHING. What more do I have to go through before I can catch a break in life? How much longer do I have to worry and stress about how my rent, and all my bills are going to be paid? Or how I'm going to get things for Makayla that she needs? Gah I'm so frustrated and irritated.

But...at the same time, I'm happy with my life. The only thing I would change, is having a job. I have the most beautiful and amazing daughter, who I get to spend all day with. I get to watch her as she explores new things, has mini adventures, and finds joy in the little things. I have been there for everything in her life. For her first smile, the first time she sat up on her own, rolled over, crawled, stood up on the furniture, and yesterday, she took her first step. Our days consist of playing. The dishes go undone, and the apartment is always cluttered with toys. Not because I'm lazy, but because I would rather sit and play with Makayla. She has many toys, but her new favorite thing is a spoon. Just a regular spoon. I always wonder what she is thinking about. I wish I could look into her mind, just for 5 minutes, or see the world from her perspective. She doesn't know sorrow, hurt, anger or fear. All she knows is love and happiness. And that's the way it should be.